Thursday, January 10, 2013

Javi, Javi, Javi ....My Dead Brother.

January 10th, 2013
 I still remember ... and it still hurts, but I must say; this memory doesn't drag me down anymore, I guess now I'm able to understand that God decides when we've lived enough. 

 I lost my brother Javier in a Car accident when I was a teen and Javi was like my father, my best friend, my idol. His biggest dream was having a baby-girl, his wife was pregnant and expecting a baby-girl, she was born January 8th, 1994 and two days later ... He died. 

 I got home from High School around 8 Pm and my eldest brother told me "Javi had an accident" - I didn't think about anything else but "He's is gonna be Ok, we are going to see him at the hospital and I'm gonna give him crap about not being able to walk for a couple weeks", couple hours passed by and my Dad arrived, my Mom asked him "How is Javi?", Dad said he was Ok, that he crashed at night against a sugar cane truck parked in on the road (middle of the Highway) ... We all kinda felt relief, but then Dad started crying and said to my Mom; 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... We lost a son" - He didn't want to tell her in front of us, my Mom went to the floor, she lost the strength on her legs and I saw Dad & Mom crying together, holding each other arms, my house felt like if we were under a spell ... 

I ran upstairs and I hated God, I told him all the bad words I knew, I was destroyed ... I knew without him wouldn't be easy for me to keep my chin up. 

Each of us had a different emotion, I wasn't able to understand the pain my parents were going through, and ... His wife?, his son?, His sisters? His brothers? ... and Me? - We all had a different chains linked to him, he was my brother, my protector, my friend, my accomplice ... 

And I still remember like in an old film ... There we were, the whole family having lunch, my two brothers, my three sisters, my mom, my dad and me ... My Mom was even better than Wonder Woman, 8 plates, 8 dishes ... All different, some without veggies, some without salsa, some with a lot of salsa ... Dad said "Hey, Javi, why don't you run to the corner store and buy some sodas", Javi was always in a good mood, so we all ask for what kind of soda we wanted ... I asked for Fanta and when he was getting out I asked him for a a Gansito too (Mexican Pastry) Mom and Dad said "No!, no more Gansitos, it's enough, you eat first and later I will buy them, Javi, but do not buy any otherwise he won't eat, he will just think about the gansito", so he left and I stayed a little sad, Javi arrived he gave us all the sodas and he sat next to me, I was maybe 3 or 4, so he was 16 or 17 we were done eating and we start talking about how all the kids were doing at school and Javi just gave me a hug and put a Gansito on my legs, he winked his eye and said "Don't tell Dad". - And that's what I was thinking when I was damning God, I wasn't able to understand why in the *F* that Old man in heaven wasn't able to take away the bad guys from this world, why in the *F* he took my brother when he was only in his 20s! ... 

I took me 6 years to understand that my will would take me down and my big boss will always know better no matter what, right now I'm not religious, but I believe in God and I believe that there's nothing more powerful than him and I truly must confess: Whatever his will is, I will take it as my path. 

So, I'm writing all this and I'm not crying, I'm happy because I'm sure he's watching over me from heaven and he might be thinking "... that's my little brother, he's a 'Cabrón', he built his own empire" ... 

 Useless to say how proud I'm of what I become, so if I'm this proud of myself he must be even prouder. 

If he was alive, I'm sure he would be here, in the same state where I live, working on construction or similar, he would be hunting and fishing with me, He never liked the big cities, he liked mountains and rough stuff, he would make fun of me like he used to, joking, kidding and once in a while I'm sure he would've kick my butt. - So, when I think about him I smile and today, in my prayers I wanted to tell him: 

'You are such a jerk by dying before I was old enough to have fun in a bar with ya' Because he would appreciate that much more than telling him how much I miss him while drowning myself in tears... 

So, yeah, really, Javi, I mean dude, this is the Internet and I do not how many people are gonna read this but, 'ya smarty pants if you were still alive we could've have so much fun and yeah I would still give you crap about your hair. I love you Javi.
author
Axel Sámano
Intensely enigmatic and mysterious subject matter. The viewer encounters a vision of Axel Samano that is at once sympathetic, humorous, and sometimes apocalyptic.